The importance of No Goal
Drop. The. Goal.
Do you recognize this pattern while having sex (solo or partnered):
Sex begins and I’m getting into it. Feeling myself, starting to feel arousal. Starting to get into it. Feeling hopeful that it will be a positive experience, maybe even an orgasmic one. Oh no. What if I don’t cum? I never do. What’s wrong with me? I’ll never cum. Immediate pressure arises in my mind, a contraction in my body. Oh no. I lost connection with the pleasure I was feeling in my pussy. Focus. Pleasure, where are you? Focus. Oh great, there you are. Ok, getting into it again. My body is working, good. Great, come on, let’s go. I want an orgasm. I must focus on it. Come on pussy, let’s do it! It feels like I’m gonna cum. Yes. I want to come. Focus. Is this how it should feel to cum? But what if I don’t? What if I never do? Oh no, the pleasure is gone. Focus. I want to come. Let’s start again. From scratch. Orgasm, here we come. Oh, that’s a pleasurable sensation. Maybe you’ll lead to an orgasm. What’s for dinner? How does my pussy smell? What time is it? Oh no, where did the pleasure go? Fuck it, it’s not gonna work.
This used to be me.
I had a very problematic relationship with my orgasms.
They were pretty much non-existent.
I felt so much shame.
I thought something was wrong with me.
I faked orgasms A LOT with partners.
And I always felt like I was chasing a goal, that always stayed at the same distance from me, OUT OF FUCKING REACH.
But what I didn’t know back then, that I know now, both from personal experience and from having studied sexuality and worked as a sexuality teacher and coach for almost a decade is that:
Everyone has an innate capacity to experience orgasm
There are many different types of orgasms
There are three main components of orgasms that mainstream culture has little knowledge about
Contrary to what you’d think - dropping the goal of having an orgasms can help you have an orgasm
See, If you want to experience your first orgasm, more types of orgasms, better orgasms...
DROP.
THE.
GOAL.
of having an orgasm.
Wait, what the fuck, why?! you're probably thinking...
And I totally get it, I used to think the same.
But now I KNOW that releasing the goal is the most effective way to experience the orgasms you desire.
Why?
Because focusing on a goal leads to not being present - you’re either worrying about the future or judging your past.
If you’re not present, you’re not connected to the experience, the sensations, the pleasure.
Think of it like surfing. The wave is your pleasure, your presence is the surfboard. If you're not present, you fall off the wave.
If you’re present, you keep riding that wave until you reach the shore = ORGASM.
Being too goal-oriented adds so much pressure to the experience. And pressure takes you out of the BODY and experience and into the analytical and judgemental mind. And I can assure you, orgasms don’t happen there.
And then you’re spiral into your negative patterns of either beating yourself up (I suck, I’m broken, my pussy is shit, etc) or checking out (I’m bored, it’s never gonna work, I don’t feel anything, what’s for dinner, what are my weekend plans, my feet are cold etc).
And orgasms don’t happen there either.
Orgasms happen in the present moment.
When you’re so connected with your sensations. With your senses. With the small tiny shifts inside, the build-up of pleasure, the expansion of intensity, and finally, with the deep surrender of the mind where you let go of control… and die a little death.
La petite mort. That’s what the French call it.
Wanna die a little and go to heaven, the heaven on earth inside your body, mind, pussy and consciousness?
Drop the goal.
Commit to the present moment.
Celebrate your pleasure every step of the way.
And one sensation at a time, you’ll be one step closer to orgasm.
Love,
Erika
